sid_guardian | Focus on: the kitchen knife scene from episode 23

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Focus on: the kitchen knife scene from episode 23

Location of scene: episode 23, 34:26-37:25 (in the full version of the episode, at least; it’s currently 32:40 to 35:40 on YouTube)

This is an image-heavy post, because Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan's expressions just have to be seen, and also because a hurt Shen Wei is a very pretty Shen Wei.

The scene set-up is such: Shen Wei used the Longevity Dial to heal Zhao Yunlan’s eyes. They went to Dixing again and came back. Once in Zhao Yunlan’s flat, Shen Wei says he’ll “attend to him for one last night”. Sure, Shen Wei. Zhao Yunlan accepts that very easily. Everything goes well.

The scene proper: Zhao Yunlan wakes up.

I screencapped this because I like this shot at Zhao Yunlan’s bed through an hourglass… Are they running out of time?

We can hear Shen Wei, sounding rather in pain, but Zhao Yunlan doesn’t seem to hear it. He checks his phone first, gets up, doesn’t seem surprised in the slightest to see Shen Wei in his kitchen in what’s probably the middle of the night. Shen Wei’s back is to Zhao Yunlan, he doesn’t notice him. Zhao Yunlan asks if Shen Wei woke up hungry, because it’s absolutely normal that he spends his nights at Zhao Yunlan’s place when his apartment is across the corridor.

Zhao Yunlan looks so fond in this scene, soft and relaxed at home—until the horror sets in. His question took Shen Wei by surprise, Shen Wei turns around, startled, and drops a knife to the floor. He looks caught and guilty and very pale, almost teary-eyed, and then he wobbles and has to lean on the counter to keep standing. He’s also very obviously hiding his left wrist behind his back. Zhao Yunlan walks to him, clearly worried. He gives him a long look, and grabs his hand to look at his wrist, revealing a cut oozing black energy instead of blood.

Shen Wei is still very pale, with almost white lips, and breathing heavily. Zhao Yunlan is annoyed at him: he’s already correctly deducted the problem here. He speaks in a low voice, and Shen Wei doesn’t meet his eyes.

Shen Wei does not intend to reply. He frees his wrist and walks away, but Zhao Yunlan’s next words stop him.

Shen Wei is still very wobbly. It’s a wonderful hurt/comfort scene. Or hurt/no comfort, as it might be. He starts speaking a few times before he manages a full sentence.

Zhao Yunlan pauses and takes a deep breath. He’s obviously horrified at the situation and at being the cause of Shen Wei’s pain, but he tries to be calm and supportive. (In contrast to his slow inhale-exhale, the camera changes to Shen Wei and his too short, too quick breaths.)

Zhao Yunlan can’t even look at Shen Wei.

Shen Wei decides the best way to reassure him and make him stop worrying is to smile while looking like death warmed over. He frowns, his fist is closed really tight, and it’s obviously painful as he heals the cut on his wrist. He smiles again, because that makes sense.

Shen Wei. Shen Wei, baby, no. Shen Wei, this is the opposite of reassuring. Zhao Yunlan does not like it.

Shen Wei’s response is immediate, with zero hesitation, zero doubts; it’s the absolute truth in his mind and it’s killing me. It’s also killing Zhao Yunlan.

THE DEVOTION. THE LOVE. SHEN WEI!!!

They just look at each other for several moments, and then Zhao Yunlan snaps and yells at him.

And Shen Wei just. Gets in his face. And says, fully serious, fully committed, and so incredibly intense.

Zhao Yunlan is beyond confused. Shen Wei blinks.

He leaves, and Zhao Yunlan is still too confused? Shocked? to stop him again.

This is one of the most emotionally-charged scenes in the drama, in my opinion. It’s in the middle of the series, Zhao Yunlan obviously cares about Shen Wei a lot at this point, and the opposite doesn’t even have to be stated, considering *points at the time loop and cries*

Shen Wei is very vulnerable here, hurt and too weakened to hide it (I can’t get over how pale and wobbly he is, and his lips!). I feel like his attempt at reassuring Zhao Yunlan tells us a lot about his approach to his own well-being. He just doesn’t understand how saying “fortunately, I’m used to getting injured” is the literal worst thing he could say in that situation. Fortunately. Sure, Shen Wei! Sure! *throws up hands* He doesn’t get that his pain matters, that he shouldn’t have had to get used to it. He’s used to being treated like a weapon, not someone that someone else cares and worries about.

And then there’s the “you’re worth it” and “this life is what I’m returning to you”, and a) that’s a love confession if I’ve ever seen one, b) Zhao Yunlan knew already that Shen Wei was weirdly intense about him, but this is something else, stated explicitly (by Shen Wei! without any evasions or half-truths!) and backed (horrifically so!) by his actions.

He breaks Zhao Yunlan’s heart and mine. I love how Zhao Yunlan gets actually angry at him in this scene. He obviously has no idea how to deal with Shen Wei being Like That and hates that Shen Wei got hurt because of him, and Shen Wei’s reaction just makes it worse. Zhao Yunlan is really out of his element here, and I think he's almost scared of Shen Wei's devotion to him and what it leads Shen Wei to do.

Questions:
1) Is Shen Wei already planning his failsafe plan at this point?

2) What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?

3) When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?

4) Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?

5) What does Zhao Yunlan think Shen Wei meant at the end, saying, “This life is what I’m returning to you”?

6) Did Shen Wei have to cut himself again at any point?

Bonus question: earlier in the episode (32:01 or 30:15 on youtube), Zhao Yunlan looks at Shen Wei preparing food, and sees the kitchen separated from the room by a layer of dark energy. Is this related to the knife scene? What do you think it is supposed to mean?

So, come and have your say!

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I'm so glad to see this scene focus because of course the first time I saw it I was like Zhao Yunlan -- very confused! And also very appreciative of how beautifully Shen Wei suffers. Then once I had seen the whole series, I realized that scene makes perfect sense, as do many others.

I appreciate the gif and all the screencaps and your breakdown of what's going on,

laireshi!!! It was like rewatching the scene at a convention with fellow fans. Very perceptive ones. ♥

Great questions! I have tentative answers for a couple of them, but I look forward to seeing everyone else's, too:

3) When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? [snip]
I suspect he already knew there would be a severe cost when he did it. Because he looks more anxious about ZYL finding out his condition, than about his condition itself. If he wasn't expecting it, I would expect him to look more surprised/startled himself.
Actually, I guess that provides my answer to (1) as well; I think he must have had the failsafe in mind when he chose to use the Longevity Dial to cure Zhao Yunlan's blindness. He's a plan-ahead kinda guy, to put it mildly.

4) Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?
Because he just can't stay away from Zhao Yunlan! He's got a relatively unsuspicious reason for staying over and by golly, he's not going to pass that up!

Then once I had seen the whole series, I realized that scene makes perfect sense, as do many others.
This is so true! Rewatching Guardian while knowing Shen Wei's perspective is such a joy. (His first look at Zhao Yunlan!)

Because he looks more anxious about ZYL finding out his condition, than about his condition itself. If he wasn't expecting it, I would expect him to look more surprised/startled himself.
I'm not sure about this--I think his surprise would've come before, and we didn't see his decision process that led him to cutting himself in Zhao Yunlan's kitchen. By the time Zhao Yunlan catches him in the act, Shen Wei's priorities are firmly back at "Must Not Worry Zhao Yunlan".

Rewatching Guardian while knowing Shen Wei's perspective is such a joy. (His first look at Zhao Yunlan!)

OMG YES!!!!

we didn't see his decision process
That's a good point! He could have gone through all kinds of "meeping and gibbering with fear and nameless dread" off-camera. With a heapin' helpin' of yummy angst. Hooray for fanfic, to fill in the blanks!

He just doesn’t understand how saying “fortunately, I’m used to getting injured” is the literal worst thing he could say in that situation.
I disagree, that's not the worst thing he could say—it would be worse to lie. He's been denying his pain the entire time up to now, saying this is showing character growth. But yes, it hurts to hear.

What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?
Hmmm. He maybe thought it was possible to heal himself. Like, say, if he used up all his dark energy, the light would follow and then he'd start replenishing it as normal. But then he learned that's not how it works and started planning his failsafe.

When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?
IMO he didn't know what would happen with the Sundial. Li Qian's experience couldn't have tipped him off and he's had very limited experience with the Hallows, so he just hoped it would work.

Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?
Because the drama writers wanted to have a reference to the novel scene, where Shen Wei wants to be seen. But you're right that in drama cannon it doesn't make sense for Shen Wei to do it there. The only reason I can think of is that he feels safer/more comfortable in Zhao Yunlan's apartment than in his own. ...It could also be that he anticipated an outcome where he hurts himself too much and needs help. In that case, it's better to do it near someone.

What does Zhao Yunlan think Shen Wei meant at the end, saying, “This life is what I’m returning to you”?
ZYL: "What the fuck?" :D

But more seriously, I think Zhao Yunlan is afraid. Like you said, he already knows Shen Wei is "weirdly intense about him," but has no idea why. Shen Wei's words words here are senseless to him—he hasn't done anything that great for Shen Wei, so whyyyyyy????

In a way, it's sad (as opposed to just confusing). Looking at their relationship from Zhao Yunlan's POV, he's been kind to Shen Wei (and that's great but it can't really be that strange, could it?). So, to think that the little kindness he's shown can be met with such a response is outlandish. Zhao Yunlan could wonder what sort of ~~shit~~ prior experiences Shen Wei has had (who hurt him). At that point he knows of Kunlun's existence and Shen Wei's peculiar reaction to hearing about him...I suppose there are a lot of things Zhao Yunlan can think.

Did Shen Wei have to cut himself again at any point?
It's definitely possible. I'd like to think he has because "a hurt Shen Wei is a very pretty Shen Wei" is the truth. :D

I disagree, that's not the worst thing he could say—it would be worse to lie. He's been denying his pain the entire time up to now, saying this is showing character growth. But yes, it hurts to hear.

That's such a good point, about it being worse to lie. Shen Wei acknowledges his own pain in the most dismissive way possible, and it's still character growth for him.

I disagree, that's not the worst thing he could say—it would be worse to lie. He's been denying his pain the entire time up to now, saying this is showing character growth. But yes, it hurts to hear.
Like others already said, that's a great point! Admittedly he's only admitting it hurts by saying that it doesn't matter, but yeah, he's not lying at least.

In a way, it's sad (as opposed to just confusing). Looking at their relationship from Zhao Yunlan's POV, he's been kind to Shen Wei (and that's great but it can't really be that strange, could it?). So, to think that the little kindness he's shown can be met with such a response is outlandish. Zhao Yunlan could wonder what sort of shit prior experiences Shen Wei has had (who hurt him).
...now I'm sad too.

It's definitely possible. I'd like to think he has because "a hurt Shen Wei is a very pretty Shen Wei" is the truth. :D
Same ;)

This is scene is so good. I've yet to watch it without having a very strong emotional response. It's very affecting. Which might be why I'm still confused about what exactly is happening with Shen Wei and his dark energy. I'm not overtly bothered though, because the emotional beats are just so good.

Zhao Yunlan pauses and takes a deep breath. He’s obviously horrified at the situation and at being the cause of Shen Wei’s pain, but he tries to be calm and supportive.

I love this part--Zhao Yunlan trying to stay calm. He actually handles things so well here. It's telling, I think, that he only blows up when confronted with the depths of Shen Wei's devotion.

Is Shen Wei already planning his failsafe plan at this point?

I headcanon that he is taken by surprise by the effect of the Longevity Dial, so I think that plan gets formulated later, when he realises he can't fix this.

That's why I think he's doing this in Zhao Yunlan's flat as well, beyond the novel parallels that

cyberbrain mentioned. It's because he did not anticipate this. It's urgent enough that he needs "to exchange all of the energy in [his] body" right at this moment, and he still thinks he can fix it, so he doesn't expect to be caught. Maybe the layer of dark energy that Zhao Yunlan sees is some sort of power that Shen Wei used to insulate the kitchen from the rest of the apartment and it dissipates as an effect of whatever is happening with his energy.

2) What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?

I don't know, but the idea that Shen Wei could have chosen to heal himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb is deliciously angsty.

3) When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?

I don't think he realised the price for healing Zhao Yunlan's eyes, although I'm certain he would have paid it gladly if he'd known. He sees something is wrong right after using the Longevity Dial, but to me this--the kitchen scene--is the moment where the penny drops both for us and for Shen Wei.

Edited 2020-11-28 08:14 (UTC)

This is scene is so good. I've yet to watch it without having a very strong emotional response. It's very affecting.
Yeah, it hits every single time.

It's because he did not anticipate this. It's urgent enough that he needs "to exchange all of the energy in [his] body" right at this moment, and he still thinks he can fix it, so he doesn't expect to be caught.
Oh, good point with it definitely not being his plan!

Oh dear, oh Shen Wei. Your EXCELLENT post made me go back and watch the whole scene, which I really had not been planning on doing. Some rambling below. (also weird internet, please forgive me if this gets posted twice)

-- Shen Wei's transformation is extraordinary. As you point out, when he first starts trying to explain he starts "I...I..." before he can manage a coherent sentence, he's right on the edge of tears, and he can't look at Zhao Yunlan; he's falling apart. And then somehow Zhao Yunlan saying the words "worth it" is like a lifeline thrown to him--when he says it back, everything comes together, his voice and gaze and stance are steady for the first time in the scene and he looks fulfilled.

-- Zhao Yunlan is struggling so hard. I think he goes back and forth between gentle/teasing and angry at least twice each in response to what he sees in Shen Wei, in such a short time.

-- I'm inclined to think that the "exchange my energy" is, if not exactly a cover story (not sure Shen Wei is in any shape at this point to come up with a brand new pseudo-scientific lie on the spot), not exactly what Shen Wei is really thinking either; I feel like he's doing his thing with the knife to get through the night while he figures out what's going on and what his long-term plan is (obviously without prioritizing "heal himself properly," because oh Shen Wei).

-- The next time we see them together, Zhao Yunlan is furious and Shen Wei is trying very hard to pretend that nothing ever happened, oh dear. Shen Wei is almost literally incapable of grasping that he's hurting Zhao Yunlan by hurting himself, and Zhao Yunlan can't understand (because he's still missing the one crucial piece) why Shen Wei is this devoted to him, so there's this awful painful information gap that they can't do anything about. So yeah, I think Zhao Yunlan was probably completely confused about "this life is what I return to you." I feel like there is a fic or several to be written about a moment in Old Haixing when he suddenly remembered that line and got it, oh dear.

-- The next time we see them together, Zhao Yunlan is furious and Shen Wei is trying very hard to pretend that nothing ever happened, oh dear. Shen Wei is almost literally incapable of grasping that he's hurting Zhao Yunlan by hurting himself, and Zhao Yunlan can't understand (because he's still missing the one crucial piece) why Shen Wei is this devoted to him, so there's this awful painful information gap that they can't do anything about. So yeah, I think Zhao Yunlan was probably completely confused about "this life is what I return to you." I feel like there is a fic or several to be written about a moment in Old Haixing when he suddenly remembered that line and got it, oh dear.
Everything about this!

I think we actually see the moment ZYL realises it all on screen--and what he does is to proceed to confuse bb!Shen Wei right back with his "you've paid it back many times over" ;;;

and what he does is to proceed to confuse bb!Shen Wei right back with his
"you've paid it back many times over" ;;;

Yes! They're both following the other's example! I adore their whole moebius strip relationship SO MUCH. :D

I think we actually see the moment ZYL realises it all on screen--and what he does is to proceed to confuse bb!Shen Wei right back with his "you've paid it back many times over" ;;;

Yes! I adore that moment! (I just had to go and rewatch it a few times.)

Is Shen Wei already planning his failsafe plan at this point?
I think his contingency plans have contingency plans and while he probably didn't have the whole "I'm gonna blow by bro and I up" -plan set in stone, I think he was on his way to implement this as a part of a whole.

What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?
TBH, I never understood that. I always thought this was some weird translation/cultural issue and just shrugged and went on enjoying the Intensity(tm) that followed.

When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?
I don't think he knew the extent of it back then but since we already saw a case where the mixing of light and dark energy ended up in an explosion, I believe he knew right away that this would be bad. Just not how bad, exactly.

Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?
I think he believed Zhao Yunlan would be too tired to wake up and he'd have time to drain himself and then be okay in the morning. And why in Zhao Yunlan's flat? Because he couldn't bear the thought of being away.

What does Zhao Yunlan think Shen Wei meant at the end, saying, “This life is what I’m returning to you”?
*What the fuck what the fuck what tHE FUCK SHEN WEI???!*

Did Shen Wei have to cut himself again at any point?
I'm not sure... I'm a fan of Both the fanon of him cutting himself and Zhao Yunlan watching over him AND the idea that he doesn't cut himself but, after coming up with the bomb plan, lets the energies build and hones himself into the weapon of mass destruction he'll eventually be.

earlier in the episode (32:01 or 30:15 on youtube), Zhao Yunlan looks at Shen Wei preparing food, and sees the kitchen separated from the room by a layer of dark energy. Is this related to the knife scene? What do you think it is supposed to mean?
I'm sort of mad this didn't come up again. It would've been SO delicious to see more. Was it a residue of Shen Wei's dark energy? Was it a sort of force field Shen Wei uses to shield his back and this is the first time Zhao Yunlan sees it? We need more! (and that's why we have fic)

This is one of my favorite scenes as well and with a damn good reason. And I STILL can't get over the fact that those two read the dialogue and then IMPROVISED THE REACTIONS. HOW??? How the hell did they manage that? So in character, so so so... aaarrgggg!

I'm sort of mad this didn't come up again. It would've been SO delicious to see more. Was it a residue of Shen Wei's dark energy? Was it a sort of force field Shen Wei uses to shield his back and this is the first time Zhao Yunlan sees it?
Oh, a thing I didn't mention in the post that's possibly related: in the personality-switch episode, there's dark energy protecting ZYL, and he sees it too and calls Shen Wei's name. Hmm. You're right that this is what fic is for :)

in the personality-switch episode, there's dark energy protecting ZYL, and he sees it too and calls Shen Wei's name
Ohhhhh I completely forgot about that!

This is such an intense scene!

I screencapped this because I like this shot at Zhao Yunlan’s bed through an hourglass…

That is such a great catch! So much visual foreshadowing ...

Zhao Yunlan asks if Shen Wei woke up hungry, because it’s absolutely normal that he spends his nights at Zhao Yunlan’s place when his apartment is across the corridor.

RIGHT???? ♥

He starts speaking a few times before he manages a full sentence.

I love that he does manage to make his stuttering "I - I - I" the actual beginning of his sentence rather than having to start over! (In the Chinese, at least, if not in the subtitles.)

He leaves, and Zhao Yunlan is still too confused? Shocked? to stop him again.

♥ ♥ ♥

I put a lot of my thoughts and feelings about Zhao Yunlan's perspective on all this in one of my fics (Make a Gamble, Take a Gamble), which deals with the aftermath, and yeah, I think he must be totally confused because given everything he doesn't know, Shen Wei does not make sense to him here ...

I can’t get over how pale and wobbly he is, and his lips!

Yes, the lips! :( :( :(

He just doesn’t understand how saying “fortunately, I’m used to getting injured” is the literal worst thing he could say in that situation.

I agree with

cyberbrain above that reverting to his earlier "I'm totally fine, nothing to look at here" deflections would hve been worse, but yeah, he doesn't see that it's the opposite of reassuring! I think perhaps because he thinks it's reassuring that he has experience with being hurt and knows how to deal with it? (Oh, Shen Wei.)

And then there’s the “you’re worth it” and “this life is what I’m returning to you”

That must be SO confusing for Zhao Yunlan - incredibly intense, but WTF is Shen Wei even talking about?! Poor Zhao Yunlan.

1) Is Shen Wei already planning his failsafe plan at this point?

I think yes - he's started the process of exchanging his black energy for white by bleeding out the black. That's my take on it, anyway. (One day I'll write out all my thoughts, hopefully in fic form, because I have a LOT!)

2) What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?

Yeah, I think that's it - he's bleeding out black energy so he can increase the white energy he has. My headcanon is that if he hadn't gone for that option he would have been weakened for some time but would have healed eventually. He might even have been able to actively get rid of the white energy, but chose not to because the failsave idea occurred to him, and he was weakened already, so had to take into account that he probably wouldn't be able to stand up to Ye Zun in an all-out battle.

3) When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?

I think when the Sundial flared up again after the exchange, that's when he realised something hadn't gone according to plan. And then somewhere in between that and the kitchen scene, he figured out what had happened and what he could do with it.

4) Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?

It's not rational, but it makes emotional sense to me? He doesn't want to leave Zhao Yunlan's side.

5) What does Zhao Yunlan think Shen Wei meant at the end, saying, “This life is what I’m returning to you”?

I think Zhao Yunlan is just "?????" here.

6) Did Shen Wei have to cut himself again at any point?

I always figured he did it multiple times, yes. Not where Zhao Yunlan could see, though.

Bonus question: earlier in the episode (32:01 or 30:15 on youtube), Zhao Yunlan looks at Shen Wei preparing food, and sees the kitchen separated from the room by a layer of dark energy. Is this related to the knife scene? What do you think it is supposed to mean?

I'm not sure, but maybe it's showing that Zhao Yunlan was also affected by the exchange and can now (occasionally/temporarily) see things he couldn't before. Maybe Shen Wei always has some kind of energy field around him? Idk.

I love that he does manage to make his stuttering "I - I - I" the actual beginning of his sentence rather than having to start over! (In the Chinese, at least, if not in the subtitles.)
Oh, do you know if it can be translated more literally from Chinese to keep it?

That must be SO confusing for Zhao Yunlan - incredibly intense, but WTF is Shen Wei even talking about?! Poor Zhao Yunlan.
And he does the same thing to bb!Shen Wei in YOHE!

(One day I'll write out all my thoughts, hopefully in fic form, because I have a LOT!)
*cheers you on!*

It's not rational, but it makes emotional sense to me? He doesn't want to leave Zhao Yunlan's side.
Oh, yeah, it definitely makes emotional sense. But up until then Shen Wei had done a lot of things that made logical sense to him, but probably weren't what he emotionally wanted...

Oh, do you know if it can be translated more literally from Chinese to keep it?

The translation is already pretty literal - the problem arises because 我 in isolation is "I", but then when he makes a full sentence it's actually a possessive ("my"). So you have to change things around to get the same effect (or at least a similar one). Hm, if I were to try, maybe "I ... I ... I've taken a hit to the energy system in my body"?

Edited 2020-11-29 13:58 (UTC)

Oooh, how interesting! Is there a suffix that makes a personal pronoun into a possessive one or is that just a syntax thing? (This is very off-topic, but it would work the first way in Korean and I'm curious^^).

Not a suffix, more a particle. Normally "my" is 我的 wǒ de, but the 的 can be skipped (and with some things almost always is), so sometimes it's just context.

(Disclaimer: I'm very much a beginner. And I know nothing about Korean, but I find this stuff fascinating too!)

but chose not to because the failsave idea occurred to him, and he was weakened already, so had to take into account that he probably wouldn't be able to stand up to Ye Zun in an all-out battle.

Oh, excellent point! Shen Wei finds himself in uncharacteristically vulnerable, and has to decide between healing himself (however long that will take, however long that leaves them vulnerable for) and exploiting it (at enormous cost, but for a hopefully decisive win). The dangers of that first option could well have made a big difference to his deciding to go for door number 2.

That's what I've been thinking - and if he gets eaten by Ye Zun without blowing him up, Ye Zun gets Shen Wei's learning power as well, doesn't he, which makes him even more powerful ...

This is one of my favorite scenes. There is so much delicious angst here. :)

And Shen Wei’s “Fortunately I’m used to getting injured” always feels me with so many emotion, no matter how many times I re-watched this scene. That Shen Wei thinks, really thinks that this will be comforting for Zhan Yunlan to hear, and, as you wrote in your post, that he doesn’t get that his pain matters, that he shouldn’t have had to get used to it... This is something that always hits me right in the heart.

And then there’s the “you’re worth it” and “this life is what I’m returning to you”, and a) that’s a love confession if I’ve ever seen one, b) Zhao Yunlan knew already that Shen Wei was weirdly intense about him, but this is something else, stated explicitly (by Shen Wei! without any evasions or half-truths!) and backed (horrifically so!) by his actions.

Oh yes, I always saw it like this, too. As one of those love confession scenes where the words “I love you” are never said, but you still know that that is what the character is saying. I love those scenes. :)

Oh yes, I always saw it like this, too. As one of those love confession scenes where the words “I love you” are never said, but you still know that that is what the character is saying. I love those scenes. :)
Yes ;;; They hit me right into the heart. Zhao Yunlan returns it in the bomb scene in the next ep ;;;

THIS SCENE OH MY I just cannot with this scene. MY HEARTTT.

I think you're right re: emotionally charged, and I also think (to break the fourth wall for just a sec) this scene shows just how good these two actors are, how in sync they are, and how they are just pushing each other with the nuance in their reactions to create something altogether amazing. That little pause before Zhao Yunlan breaks his pseudo-calm is like the top of the rollercoaster, omg.

Question 4) ha, that is a damn good question that I never even thought about. I guess maybe because Shen Wei doesn't actually live at his apartment anymore, and keeps all his knives at Yunlan's place?

I guess maybe because Shen Wei doesn't actually live at his apartment anymore, and keeps all his knives at Yunlan's place?
He can also summon a blade from thin air though. (But I love the headcanon that all his kitchen equipment migrated to ZYL's place.)

What I keep focusing on in this scene is Zhao Yunlan’s anger, and in consequence, his more bitter anger at Shen Wei in the following episode.

So, your bf has just revealed not just that he's horrifically damaged but that he's incomprehensibly fixated on you: what does one do? Does Zhao Yunlan say, there, there, I’m here for you, I'm so touched by your devotion, let's see if we can fix what's happened to you; in other words, what any compassionate person might do when he sees his friend suffering a breakdown?

He says “What do you want me to do? To be indebted to you? Do you want me to kowtow to you? You’re not an immortal. Why should I so casually owe you a life?”

These are terribly estranging things to say. His anger isn’t that of someone whose friend or spouse has deliberately endangered themselves. (Shen Wei is good at that: “Zhao Yunlan, don’t you know how important your life is?”) But here Zhao Yunlan is all but denying that Shen Wei is allowed to care for him this much. Instead, his words imply that Shen Wei has put him under an obligation, and that Zhao Yunlan is now in a dependent position, akin to ruler and subject (the ‘kowtow’).

After his first tentative, “That must hurt a lot”, Zhao Yunlan never again says anything about the suffering Shen Wei is obviously going through. He is, in fact, pretty mean to Shen Wei in the opening scene of the following episode. He mocks their new relationship by using formal language to him.

All I can come up with is that Zhao Yunlan’s instinctive reaction to someone sacrificing themselves for him is for him to think, not that it’s due to love, but that it's a transactional performance. Which may say some more sad things about his relationship with his father,

I think that he’s angry because he’s afraid of being required - by his own standards - to match Shen Wei’s self-sacrifice, and Zhao Yunlan doesn't know (yet) that he can do that. He doesn’t know that his love for Shen Wei is the equal to Shen Wei’s for him. This makes the bomb-defusing scene in the next episode the necessary book-end to the kitchen scene in this one.

Thank you so much for bringing up an aspect of this scene that doesn't get discussed much! I don't doubt that Zhao Yunlan's reaction comes from hurt, but you're right that after a certain point it's very much not compassionate, and his words are harsh and defensive. He's lashing out - he doesn't know what to do with what Shen Wei has done; it's outside the scope of what he thought he knew about their relationship, even despite everything he already does know about Shen Wei's protectiveness and caring.

I think you may be right that treating sacrifice on his behalf as transactional is in some ways a reflection on his relationship with his father, but beyond that, it's his own self-worth issues - he can't conceive of anyone genuinely valuing him that much because he doesn't think he's worth it. Which is why the moment he explodes is after Shen Wei says he is worth it - because Zhao Yunlan doesn't know how to believe him, so there has to be something else. (Poor Zhao Yunlan.)

And I agree about the bomb-defuisng scene as a bookend, in multiple ways. (IMO, one of them is that Shen Wei's secrets are part of why Zhao Yunlan doesn't quite know how to believe Shen Wei means it, and being promised the eventual reveal of those secrets makes him more able to trust they're on solid ground, rather than Shen Wei holding something back from him forever ...)

here Zhao Yunlan is all but denying that Shen Wei is allowed to care for him this much.

it's his own self-worth issues - he can't conceive of anyone genuinely valuing him that much because he doesn't think he's worth it. Which is why the moment he explodes is after Shen Wei says he is worth it - because Zhao Yunlan doesn't know how to believe him, so there has to be something else.

OH MY GOD, BOTH OF YOU!! (sorry for the caps, I got excited)

I was thinking something similar—Zhao Yunlan finds it hard to receive love. In episode 20 he expressed that to Shen Wei in the car. "There isn't love in the cards for me," or something along those lines in the English subs; the Chinese goes something like "Love isn't among the five elements for this person [me]."

Reading your comments here about this dad, you (both) have a point but I want to propose instead: consider his mother. She sacrificed herself out of love—whether for her husband or child or world or any combination of these—Zhao Yunlan was traumatized by that. He was just a kid, the thing that mattered to him most back then was probably his mother, meaning that whatever her reason to choose death was, it would've been less meaningful to little Zhao Yunlan. He doesn't seem to have received proper care (e.g. counseling) after the event, so he's stuck with the same feelings.

Obviously Shen Wei isn't his mother and Zhao Yunlan loves him in a different way but the pain he feels at the prospect of Shen Wei doing the same as her is similar.

Obviously Shen Wei isn't his mother and Zhao Yunlan loves him in a different way but the pain he feels at the prospect of Shen Wei doing the same as her is similar.

I think the pain of anyone sacrificing themself for him triggers his trauma from that time. I think he's fully resolved to put his life on the line for even complete strangers, rather than go through that again -- doesn't he tell Zhu Hong in a later episode that he's always expected to die on the job? And he shows it in the video game hospital episode, and again when Zhao Xinci is kidnapped: "take me instead." No hesitation.

And here is Shen Wei not giving any indication that the pain he's going through now is unexpected or unwelcome. If Shen Wei had said, "I didn't expect this, but I'm finding a way to fix it," or something, I'm sure Zhao Yunlan would have reacted differently, but Shen Wei (of course) tries to hide it behind his back, so it looks like a deliberate sacrifice on his behalf (albeit not obviously a fatal one), and Zhao Yunlan just cannot. /2 cents

OWWWWWWWWW yes, that's a good addition about his mother, her loss is a trauma Zhao Yunlan keeps coming back to. I'm not sure I'd describe it as her sacrificing herself, - it's Zhao Xinci who makes the decision, claiming she'd agree - but no wonder the whole subject hits a button with Zhao Yunlan ...

he doesn't know what to do with what Shen Wei has done; it's outside the scope of what he thought he knew about their relationship, even despite everything he already does know about Shen Wei's protectiveness and caring.

And the fact that Shen Wei is so obviously trying to hide it, rather than share it, just makes it that much worse, I think?

I'm trying to make sense of the "What do you want me to do? To be indebted to you? Do you want me to kowtow to you?" reaction, and it makes me wonder if that's a sign they're not sleeping together at this stage. Even in his pain and being triggered re his mother, if they were an established couple, surely Zhao Yunlan would understand that Shen Wei sacrificing his well-being for Zhao Yunlan's would ultimately be for both of them. (Like ZYL and Da Qing would totally take a hit for each other, without question or any talk of reciprocation, because they're family.) So it makes me wonder if Shen Wei has gently rebuffed Zhao Yunlan's advances -- or held himself back from taking up any implicit invitations -- leaving Zhao Yunlan just really confused about the nature of their relationship. Shen Wei endlessly giving and not letting Zhao Yunlan give anything back or move closer. Giving while holding himself aloof, in fact.

And then Shen Wei compounds it with "This life is what I’m returning to you," openly alluding to an aspect of their relationship Zhao Yunlan isn't privy to, and not letting him judge for himself where he stands. I can see how this leads to even more anger, because now he's got to be wondering how much of what's gone before has been repayment of a life debt, and whether Shen Wei meant any of it personally.

Edited 2020-11-29 01:34 (UTC)

And the fact that Shen Wei is so obviously trying to hide it, rather than share it, just makes it that much worse, I think?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

I generally think they weren't sleeping together yet, or maybe had only just started, but I'm not sure sex alone would make a difference for Zhao Yunlan's reaction. I think Zhao Yunlan would have to be sure of where he stands with Shen Wei, or at least sure enough that the remaining secrets can't undermine it, and I don't think that happens until the bomb defusing scene where Shen Wei promises him he'll know the truth one day.

And I already commented about the "returning" quote below - totally agreed with you there.

I'm trying to make sense of the "What do you want me to do? To be indebted to you? Do you want me to kowtow to you?" reaction, and it makes me wonder if that's a sign they're not sleeping together at this stage. Even in his pain and being triggered re his mother, if they were an established couple, surely Zhao Yunlan would understand that Shen Wei sacrificing his well-being for Zhao Yunlan's would ultimately be for both of them. (Like ZYL and Da Qing would totally take a hit for each other, without question or any talk of reciprocation, because they're family.)

On the one hand, the first time I watched Guardian I was fully convinced they only started sleeping together somewhere between ep 23 and 33; on the other, with this specific scene, I don't think it matters? I think ZYL is horrified at what Shen Wei is doing for him and he's angry and blowing up because he has no idea how to deal with it at all. Being in a relationship wouldn't change that. And this is a different situation to Shen Wei hypothetically taking a hit for him in the middle of a fight, acting on instinct. This here was premeditated. (Or that's how it reads to Zhao Yunlan.) And that's worse.

Like. ZYL would do the same for him, I'm sure. But he hates that Shen Wei is hurt because of him anyway. And if their positions were reversed, Shen Wei would hate it, too.

So, your bf has just revealed not just that he's horrifically damaged but that he's incomprehensibly fixated on you: what does one do? Does Zhao Yunlan say, there, there, I’m here for you, I'm so touched by your devotion, let's see if we can fix what's happened to you; in other words, what any compassionate person might do when he sees his friend suffering a breakdown?
...
These are terribly estranging things to say.

You're right, of course. But I'd argue that Shen Wei's secret-keeping is pretty estranging, too. Shen Wei never sits Zhao Yunlan down and says, "Oh, btw, that energy exchange we did had some unforeseen side-effects, and I'm feeling awful, just so you know." Of course he doesn't! He cuts himself while Zhao Yunlan is sleeping, looks guilty when he's caught and hides his wound behind his back, and he minimises. He doesn't let Zhao Yunlan give him anything. When Zhao Yunlan manages to push down his exasperation at the secrets and horror at the cutting and reaches out with words of comfort, Shen Wei tells him there's no need.

I think it's at least as much the secrets as the sacrifice itself that's pushing them apart, and then at the end Shen Wei says, "This life is what I'm returning to you," making it explicit that there are things about their relationship that Shen Wei is keeping hidden. Not just Envoy things. Personal things.

It gets resolved during the bomb defusing when Shen Wei says that one day Zhao Yunlan will learn the things Shen Wei is keeping secret.

I think that he’s angry because he’s afraid of being required - by his own standards - to match Shen Wei’s self-sacrifice, and Zhao Yunlan doesn't know (yet) that he can do that.

I don't think it's that, personally. I think Zhao Yunlan wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice himself, even for a stranger. YMMV! :-)

I think it's at least as much the secrets as the sacrifice itself that's pushing them apart

Yes, agreed, the secrets are part of why Zhao Yunlan is unsure of where he stands with Shen Wei, and the whole "this life is what I'm returning to you" bit makes it worse. Now he has to wonder if the whole thing is even about him, in any meaningful personal way ...

But it does matter that Zhao Yunlan is the one who blows up and suggests it's all transactional before Shen Wei says that, because it shows it's his own hang-ups as much as (or maybe even more) than Shen Wei's secrets that's getting to him here. IMO, anyway!

But it does matter that Zhao Yunlan is the one who blows up and suggests it's all transactional before Shen Wei says that, because it shows it's his own hang-ups as much as (or maybe even more) than Shen Wei's secrets that's getting to him here.

I don't think the transactional stuff is a hang-up, per se? I've been looking around trying to find out more about guanxi (social connections, reciprocity, standing) since I posted the above comments.

A person’s guanxi include one’s family, relatives, former classmates, coworkers, etc. plus all the people you meet through them. All the people in a particular group are connected to each other through a system of mutual obligation. The relationships between group members are nurtured by giving and receiving favors. Everyone keeps a mental checklist of all the people who owe them a favor and everyone to whom they are indebted in turn. Even if years have gone by, someone to whom you owe a favor can show up and ask you for one out of the blue.
- from this website

So I feel like Shen Wei refusing to make it transactional is him not understanding how Haixing relationships are supposed to work!

Like, all of Zhao Yunlan's "I will need compensation" gambits are cheeky, but they're also designed to let Shen Wei off the hook of owing him anything major (except for "come and work at the SID"). They're like a game Zhao Yunlan is playing, testing Shen Wei's response and trying to get closer/build connection through a series of favours. Basically going, "a debt between us is nothing -- you can repay it with a little housework (which you'd probably do anyway)."

But this is, like, so ridiculously off the charts compared to any of that, and so clearly not a game, it unbalances everything. Shen Wei is obviously hurt, and that it has to be scary, and obviously hiding stuff, which has to be infuriating, and Zhao Yunlan has no idea how to fix this!

I think if Shen Wei ~~were a different person~~ asked for compensation, even if it were just, "Make me a pot of tea and we'll call it even," (ETA2: or some other flipside of "take off your mask and smile for me"), Zhao Yunlan might know how to handle it, but Shen Wei isn't letting him reciprocate, is smiling like death and saying he's okay, and that puts Zhao Yunlan in a really uncomfortable position on several levels. ETA: On top of his actual worried feelings for Shen Wei, of course!

/disclaimer: I know nothing about guanxi except the smidgen I've picked up in passing! But this all reminds me of a hilarious moment in a Kdrama where someone googled "What to write when giving a gift without being burdensome" and got zero search results. :-D

Edited (important omission corrected, and additional thought/context) 2020-11-29 04:24 (UTC)

Maybe transactional wasn't quite the right word for what I meant, but I feel like there's an implication in Zhao Yunlan's angry lashing-out that Shen Wei's actions can't come from a place of genuine caring. Regardless of mutual obligations, that does feel like his hang-up to me.

And yeah, Shen Wei could make this easier if he framed it all in less fraught terms! But a) if we're looking at it in terms of obligations, from Shen Wei's POV he's totally right that he is the one repaying something here, and b) Shen Wei wants Zhao Yunlan to know he is worth it, because it hurts him to hear Zhao Yunlan saying he isn't. Or that's how I see it, anyway.

Excellent post! I love this scene so much. I've rewatched it countless times and it never loses its emotional punch for me.

1) Is Shen Wei already planning his failsafe plan at this point?

I fluctuate on when I think Shen Wei starts his plan, but on last rewatch I felt it started right after this scene. Because:

3) When did he realise the price for healing Zhao Yunlan’s eyes? We see him struggling with dark energy just after the exchange took place, but did he know the extent of it back then?

I don't think he fully realized the price until this scene, because it's after they've returned from Dixing. (Although Shen Wei's solemn "attend you for one last night" at the beginning of the scene can definitely suggest he's realized the price & formulated his plan already.) But anyway, it's hinted at (if not explicitly stated) that being in Dixing restores Shen Wei to his full powers. I guess it's fanon that he sort of "recharges" in Dixing, but even if that's not how it works, I believe that being in Dixing would let Shen Wei know how well (or not) he's doing after using the Longevity Dial. So I felt that on top of all the other reasons Shen Wei is unhappy in Dixing in eps. 22-23 is that he can tell something's changed with his dark energy and that even being in Dixing didn't help.

4) Why is Shen Wei doing this in Zhao Yunlan’s flat when he obviously would’ve preferred to keep it a secret?

I thought the cut was a kind of "I'll just check myself to see if it's really this bad...oh, in fact it's worse..." I.e. something Shen Wei didn't expect to be as bad as it is, and he's distracted by that, which is why he's so off-guard when Zhao Yunlan interrupts him.

2) What exactly does he mean here: “I need to exchange all of the energy in my body”? Is he exchanging his dark energy for light? Did he have the option of actually healing himself instead of turning himself into a living bomb?

I always thought, yes, he's exchanging his dark energy for light. That he could've used it to heal himself instead of turning himself into a bomb never crossed my mind, but what an excellent, angsty idea! I love it! And it's so very Shen Wei to choose the bomb option. (Oh, Shen Wei!)

Edited (clarifying) 2020-11-30 05:10 (UTC)

I don't think he fully realized the price until this scene, because it's after they've returned from Dixing.

That's an interesting thought, that being in Dixing would clarify the effects for him! I could see that, yes. But doesn't that argue he would have realised the extent of the price before the kitchen scene, i.e. during or immediately after their stay in Dixing?

But doesn't that argue he would have realised the extent of the price before the kitchen scene, i.e. during or immediately after their stay in Dixing?

Yes, he could've. I was thinking if the effect is like a "draining," he might be checking on himself to see if the draining stopped after returning from Dixing. Maybe hoping that being in Dixing did more good than he thought. But this is all pretty handwavy, I admit. I don't think there's a One True Answer to this question, and I deeply apologize if it sounded like I did. I come up with different theories/ideas about when Shen Wei knew what and when his plan began every time I rewatch the episodes...

No worries, please don't apologise! I just wasn't sure I understood your theory correctly. Thanks for explaining! I agree that it's very open to interpretation, and there are multiple versions that would make sense.

I always feel like I don't get this scene the way some people do, maybe due to my lacking the h/c gene. So this post was incredibly helpful for me (such a great post!!!), and now I have thoughts! :-)

There's a few subtextual things going on here, I think, and one of them is what exactly Shen Wei thought he was doing with the energy exchange, and what Zhao Yunlan thinks Shen Wei thought he was doing.

IMO, Zhao Yunlan would die to save any random person on the street. I mean, he'd try not to, because then he wouldn't be able to save the next person, but he's basically made out of "my life is a chess piece I can use to save people." He's built his whole life on that premise, taking a job that's 100% going to kill him. He shows that in the next episode, during the video game case.

Shen Wei isn't like that and shouldn't be like that. He's made out of duty, and his existence is too important, critical to peace in both worlds, plus he's not burdened with the same "I'm not worth it" issues. But he's powerful enough that the question of self-sacrifice doesn't arise that often. It doesn't cost him that much to save Wu Tian'en, for ex.

So from Zhao Yunlan's POV, Shen Wei isn't expendable, and Zhao Yunlan very much is.

What Shen Wei did with the energy exchange was to risk his bodily security, and Zhao Yunlan was fine with that because a) he trusted Shen Wei to be powerful enough to shrug it off, and b) afterwards, it seemed like they'd cheated the system and got off scott free. But then he finds Shen Wei secretly cutting and obviously weakened and hiding it.

He doesn't know how much that was to be anticipated from the act, right? So some of his reaction has to be, "Did you know this would happen, and you didn't tell me? Did you trick me into letting you hurt yourself?" Because Shen Wei is made of 90% secrets and inexplicably obsessed with him, so that is an entirely possible thing! And fuck, if that's the case, Zhao Yunlan can't trust him about anything anymore. Shen Wei will do whatever he wants (for Zhao Yunlan! why?!?), and he won't even let Zhao Yunlan weigh in, won't let him be an equal partner, even nominally. It's terrifying!

It makes the energy exchange itself a violation of everything Zhao Yunlan is.

And if Shen Wei didn't know until after, then why is he hiding it? Obviously because Shen Wei's first instinct is to hide everything. But also because Shen Wei would have done it anyway. Right? Shen Wei would have done that energy exchange, whatever the cost.

Zhao Yunlan doesn't know about his own importance to the timeline, so he can only interpret this as being about him personally (or whoever Shen Wei thinks he is).

So his "I'm not worth it" is, like, his deepest truth. And when Shen Wei contradicts it, Zhao Yunlan has a kind of cascading system failure, because Shen Wei is so sure and so obviously wrong. So I think Zhao Yunlan's outburst is actually "I'm not worth it" all over again, but he can't just repeat himself, so he's lashing out with it this time. "I'm not worth it. Why the hell would you go to these lengths for me? You treat me like I'm precious, but YOU WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING or let us handle things like partners!" And it's couched in transactional terms to kind of push Shen Wei away, because it hurts too much to hear, and the consequences of Shen Wei's being wrong about this are too horrifying.

(And then the cold anger later on is a deliberate punishment/pushing away, both of that statement and of Shen Wei who will let himself get injured for him as if it's nothing and smile about it, just no.)

So that's Zhao Yunlan's pov, I think?

IMO, Shen Wei's approach to the energy exchange was unhesitating and pragmatic. They've exhausted all other options, and Zhao Yunlan's being blind hurts Shen Wei both in terms of the timeline and personally. We know Shen Wei is prepared to make big sacrifices if they're called for (he thinks as much in ep 15, when Zhao Yunlan learns about his power and calls him a "boss"). So -- I guess one question is whether this was a sacrifice. Whether Shen Wei was expecting any of the complications.

Even if he was, he probably wasn't expecting how debilitating it might be. He wouldn't flinch from pain, but he might from being weakened. Like

trobadora says above, that puts them all in a vulnerable position. But anyway, here he is, and his weakness is his own concern and not something Zhao Yunlan should be burdened with, especially since this is the repayment of a debt, but also just because Shen Wei is Shen Wei, the Envoy. And because he knows Zhao Yunlan is going to hate it.

So to have Zhao Yunlan catch him out is -- much worse than the injury itself, I think? (I think he cut there because he was caught out -- there wasn't time or energy to leave, he just had to do something ASAP.) He doesn't want to burden Zhao Yunlan with this injury, or disrupt the joyfulness of Zhao Yunlan's being healed and being able to see again (or the relief that the timeline is secure). He can't explain in detail. And he feels physically awful. So when Zhao Yunlan confronts him, Shen Wei does his best to minimise it, to reassure. And then "You're worth it", which is the strongest certainty in his heart, but unfortunately kind of confirms that he would do this again in a heartbeat, including the part where Zhao Yunlan doesn't find out what it might cost.

He can't explain why he's 1000% willing to accept the cost of the energy exchange, because he can't talk about the timeline or Kunlun, and because Zhao Yunlan is outright rejecting "You're worth it" as a reason, but in the face of Zhao Yunlan's fury, he can't not say either. So he repeats, essentially, what Kunlun said to him. "This life is what I'm returning to you." And then he leaves because refusing to explain further would only exacerbate the situation (and because he probably still feels shitty).

Which leaves Zhao Yunlan even more confused and still angry. And maybe also hoping that if he pushes Shen Wei away, Shen Wei won't get hurt again like this. Won't have an opportunity to sacrifice himself. The icy detente that follows is like some breathing space for Zhao Yunlan to realise just how far their relationship could go, if he lets it. And then they end up with Shen Wei literally holding a ticking bomb and talking about portalling away with it and blowing himself up. At which point pushing him away loses any point it might ever have had. OH GOD, THESE TWO!

I forgot to mention, in response to the bonus question, that the layer of dark energy is similar to the one created by lao-Chu in episode 2, when the attacker at the hospital runs outside (ep 2, 22:23). I have no idea what that means, though. (Can all Dixingren make them? Did lao-Chu make his deliberately, but Shen Wei made his by accident? Does Shen Wei habitually raise a dark energy forcefield at his back to defend himself and forgot not to this time? Is it a sign he's losing control of his powers, because of his light energy corruption?)

So his "I'm not worth it" is, like, his deepest truth. And when Shen Wei contradicts it, Zhao Yunlan has a kind of cascading system failure, because Shen Wei is so sure and so obviously wrong.

That is such an interesting way to look at it, and also heartbreaking! \o/ Like I said below, I originally didn't read quite as much into the "I'm not worth it", but it does make a lot of sense. The sheer number of times I yelled "STOP TOUCHING THE THINGS!!!" at him (along with Shen Wei), because he thought it was *necessary* to the greater good, even though he was hurting himself in the process, ugh! Idiot! (sob)

(Also, randomly, the way they both get angry at the other for hurting themselves, but like it's okay if *they* do it, just not the other one! The other one needs to take better care of himself! 😠 Like sure you just witnessed me cutting myself open with a knife and almost faint, but *you* need to get some rest while I stumble off. The NERVE!!!)

So many good thoughts and interesting ruminations here, and I'm afraid I bring none of those to the table. I can't remember how much I was spoiled at any given moment and how much was revealed by episode 23, but I definitely didn't take into account all the time travel and dark energy~ aspects while reacting to that scene. (Also, I was left more confused than enlightened by the explanation of Shen Wei's Big Plan in the finale, but that's a different problem, haha.)

To me, at that point, ZYL already had quite a lot of feelings for Shen Wei (as is right and proper, because he's your husband and soulmate, thank you) and having them returned quite so intensely, in Meaningful Looks and actions and touches, if not in actual confessions of love, wouldn't be the confusing aspect of their relationship. I think? I mean, after reading these comments, it does occur that it might be quite strange, actually. :-D

So anyway, to me they were already at a point where things might conceivably be confessed, but Shen Wei keeps holding *back* and having *secrets* and not letting get Yunlan close even when he clearly *wants* to. So when Shen Wei tells him "I love you" (with his voice and his face and his utter conviction), to me his outburst read as "THEN LET ME LOVE YOU YOU ASSHOLE. YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SHIT LIKE THAT AND NOT LET ME IN." Relatedly, I read the "I'm not worth it" as Yunlan coming up with something that might conceivably get a Reaction from Shen Wei, although he didn't quite expect that one.

So, yeah. I have no idea about Shen Wei's motives or thought processes here. /o\

Always late to the party...but I've just fallen over the Guardian cliff. I'm very puzzled by the energy force field in this scene, and it seems everyone is a bit dubious on explanations. I'd love to hear more about that.

A couple other things about this scene spring to mind that I haven't seen discussed--likely because I'm new to the fandom:

1) It seemed to me that Shen Wei's inability to look directly at Zhao Yunlan during this confrontation was more than just avoidance. The actor was suggesting actual blindness, I thought. Which of course would be related to the Chief's earlier problem. Could taking on the symptoms be part of Shen Wei's attempt to heal them both of corrupting energy?

2) I can understand why Zhao Yunlan is so genuinely angry and frightened by Shen Wei's self-harm and seemingly overwrought devotion. When he grabs the (childlike, weak) Shen Wei and commands "Don't even think of lying to me," we see that there is a match for the sometimes implacable gaze of the Envoy. Phew! This is the Master of the Guardians unmasked.

But when he turns to frustration and asks what Shen Wei wants in return, something has changed. "Do you want me to bow to you?" seems like a strange interpretation of Shen Wei's behavior. And this is what I'm wondering...did the Chief find out about Shen Wei's first attempt at a cure by stripping himself of his dignity and kneeling to a quack doctor? Is this another source of the anger, that Shen Wei would not just hurt himself but make himself small for Zhao Yunlan's sake?

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Focus on: the kitchen knife scene from episode 23

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