Fic: A Fear So Acute (it cuts you deep) (Weilan)

[syriala]

So today is the birthday of the amazing green and you should all go over and wish her the very best day on earth! I decided to write some fic in her honour, and you all get to enjoy that, too!

Shen Wei is afraid.

He is used to that feeling; he still remembers being petrified on the battlefield, but he has never before been afraid of things that didn’t concern fighting. It’s there now, though and Shen Wei doesn’t know how he’ll ever manage this fear.

Read the rest here on AO3 or read it under the cut right here. It's around 2.3k long.

Shen Wei is afraid.

He is used to that feeling; he still remembers being petrified on the battlefield, but he has never before been afraid of things that didn’t concern fighting. It’s there now, though and Shen Wei doesn’t know how he’ll ever manage this fear.

He thinks back to what he told Zhu Hong, about falling out of love after at most three years and a small part of himself clings to that. Hopes, that it is true, even for him. He wants to believe that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction that will come to a natural end some day, even though he perfectly well knows it’s not true, could never be with how bright his love for Zhao Yunlan burns some days. And even before.

Shen Wei has loved Kun Lun for 10.000 years, or maybe just for three, he isn’t sure anymore, but it was always safe. Kun Lun wasn’t there, was lost to Shen Wei, ripped away after the briefest of meetings.

Shen Wei still never doubted his feelings for him, it’s just another truth there is for him. He lost his brother, he loves Kun Lun, he is bound by duty.

It was fine, safe even.

But now, now Zhao Yunlan is there, right in Shen Wei’s life, and Shen Wei is afraid.

Because this man, he’s everything to him. The breath in his lungs, the blood in his veins, the beat in his heart. Zhao Yunlan holds Shen Wei’s heart, his soul, his entire being in his hands and it scares Shen Wei sometimes just what he would do for him.

It didn’t used to; when he thought about Kun Lun it was always in an abstract sense since he was gone longer than Shen Wei had known him. “I wish I could have protected him,” the most prominent in Shen Wei’s head, selfishly wishing for more time with Kun Lun, but it was too late by then. Too late to contemplate what, exactly, he would have done to change Kun Lun’s fate.

But it’s a different matter with Zhao Yunlan altogether. Because he’s there and real, in a way Kun Lun hasn’t been in so long and for the first time in his all too long and not at all long enough life, Shen Wei ponders just how far he would go to make an as innocent statement as “I will protect him” come true.

Shen Wei isn’t surprised by the willingness to put his own life in danger for Zhao Yunlan. He already knew that, even back when he was still Kun Lun. Keeping him safe at the expanse of Shen Wei’s own life was always the thing to do for him.

What does scare him though is how willing he is to put everyone else’s life in danger for Zhao Yunlan.

In the short amount of time he knows Zhao Yunlan, this Zhao Yunlan, he has never hesitated to sacrifice his own well-being, his own life for him, but he has also never hesitated to hurt others, just to keep them away from Zhao Yunlan.

Shen Wei still tries to maintain the balance, be the Black Cloaked Envoy his people have known for years, but he finds it more and more difficult. There are rumors going around already, of his ruthlessness, of his changed personality, that he’s no longer loyal to Dixing first; he has heard them, but he can’t change them.

Because they are true.

His loyalty lies with Zhao Yunlan.

And it’s the scariest thing that ever happened to Shen Wei.

There are days he can barely look at Zhao Yunlan. Days where Shen Wei feels so desperate to make this man happy, to keep him safe and whole and protected, that he would raze the earth to the ground if it would ensure just that. On those days he’s too afraid to look for too long at Zhao Yunlan, fearing that if he even sees the hint of a wish on his face, Shen Wei would let it come true, no matter the consequences.

On other days, Shen Wei is too afraid to lean into the almost too familiar touch Zhao Yunlan offers so freely. Shen Wei fears that if he ever leaned into one of those casual hands on his shoulder, his arm, his back, he would just take like the greedy creature Shen Wei is; take Zhao Yunlan and pull him closer and never let him go. If he’s safely in Shen Wei’s arms there’s nothing that could hurt him after all.

On those days Shen Wei’s eyes never stay still, never fix on Zhao Yunlan and his hands shake with the need to reach out and with the effort to keep them close to himself. On those days Shen Wei keeps Zhao Yunlan just far enough away from him that he won’t ask questions.

But Shen Wei knows it’s just a matter of time. His Yunlan is too clever not to notice it.

And then there are days where Shen Wei is afraid of Zhao Yunlan. Those are arguably the worst ones.

His fear is two-folded, but equally all-consuming, and Shen Wei knows how to handle those days even less than the other ones.

The base of his fear is always the same: Zhao Yunlan puts that clever brain of his to good use and figures Shen Wei and his desperate love out. And then there are two options.

One, Zhao Yunlan is scared.

Shen Wei knows that sometimes he already is, just because Shen Wei loves him too much and Zhao Yunlan can’t figure out how that happened in the short amount of time they have known each other. How could he, with all the secrets Shen Wei is still keeping from him, without knowing their shared past.

Shen Wei fears that if Zhao Yunlan ever does figure it out, he’ll shy away, too afraid to come near the burning love Shen Wei has for him and even just the thought of that almost breaks Shen Wei apart.

Two, Zhao Yunlan will take whatever Shen Wei has to offer. That when Zhao Yunlan finds out just how far Shen Wei is willing to go for him, he’ll exploit it.

Those are the days where Shen Wei is afraid and hates himself for it, just a little bit.

Because his fear is unreasonable, he tries to tell himself again and again. It never sticks though, and instead just sinks its claws deeper and deeper into him.

Shen Wei doesn’t think Zhao Yunlan is that much of an asshole, but he’s a hothead, quick and brash in his decisions, and even quicker with his words. Shen Wei fears he’ll ask something of Shen Wei, knowing he can, knowing it will happen, only for him to regret it afterwards. Only for him to hate Shen Wei afterwards.

Between all of those days, there are not a lot left where Shen Wei can simply enjoy being near Zhao Yunlan, enjoy his presence and his wit and his inappropriate familiarity.

Between all of those days, Shen Wei is just busy trying not to drown in his fears.

So busy, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice the moment Zhao Yunlan figures it out.

They are in Zhao Yunlan’s apartment, Shen Wei almost as familiar with it as with his own, and he’s too busy not staring for too long at Zhao Yunlan, too busy not reaching out for him, to realize that the contemplating look on Zhao Yunlan should worry him.

“I figured it out, you know,” Zhao Yunlan says out of the blue, or maybe there was a lead up, Shen Wei wouldn’t know.

There are a dozen different thoughts flashing through Shen Wei’s mind, things Zhao Yunlan could have figured out: a case, Shen Wei, Ye Zun, what to eat for dinner.

The possibilities are endless with a mind like Zhao Yunlan’s, but the sinking feeling in Shen Wei’s gut and the cold that creeps up his spine tell him all he needs to know.

Shen Wei guesses it was inevitable; by not staring at Zhao Yunlan and by not keeping him close like he so desperately wanted, he gave Zhao Yunlan all the time in the world he needed to stare at Shen Wei in return. To figure him out.

“What?” he still asks, because he has to. He has to try and divert him into safer waters.

“You,” Zhao Yunlan says like it doesn’t mean anything at all, like he couldn’t shatter Shen Wei and the world with just one well-placed sentence.

“What is there to figure out?” Shen Wei asks, trying to distract Zhao Yunlan with a small smile, but his gaze stays focused and fixed on him.

“What isn’t there?” Zhao Yunlan wants to know in return.

He’s still sprawled on the couch, the perfect picture of relaxation, if it wasn’t for the tense set of his shoulders, the missing lollipops between his lips, and the unnatural stillness in his limbs.

For all that Shen Wei doesn’t watch him, he does know him.

Shen Wei quirks an eyebrow at him, daring him to say it, goading him along to get this over with. If this is how Shen Wei lays his everything at Zhao Yunlan’s feet, then let it be that way.

“I know that you would do anything for me.” The gaze he throws Shen Wei is not mocking, nor scared. It’s already better than what Shen Wei dared to hope for on his weakest days. “And there are two things I want you to do for me.”

This is where Zhao Yunlan finally sits up, sharpens his gaze into something Shen Wei fears is going to burn him alive. He figures as long as it's just him he's not even going to mind.

“What,” Shen Wei has to swallow hard before he can continue, “what do you want me to do?” The ‘for you’ is unspoken but it rings like a bell between them anyway.

“I want you to let me love you, too,” Zhao Yunlan says and it’s so unexpected it startles Shen Wei into fully looking at him.

The question must be visible on his face, because Zhao Yunlan’s face softens and he stands up, walks towards Shen Wei who feels rooted to the spot, unable to ever run from this man.

“You keep me an arms’ length away, always. Don’t. Let me love you, too. You make it incredibly hard, but I will do it anyway, just so you know. I just thought maybe you would like something easier for once.”

“I—,” Shen Wei clears his throat, “what’s the other thing?” he wants to know, buying himself some time, he hopes.

It could be incredibly dangerous for Zhao Yunlan to love him too, after all.

“Don’t ever leave me,” Zhao Yunlan presses out, his voice hard in a way Shen Wei hadn’t expected.

It leaves him startled, leaves him confused, because he doesn’t understand where this possessiveness comes from, but he figures it’s just fair, for Zhao Yunlan to turn the tables on him like that.

“I could never leave you again,” Shen Wei whispers, when Zhao Yunlan just holds his gaze, patiently waits him out.

There’s the beginning of a triumphant smile on Zhao Yunlan’s face but he still narrows his eyes anyway.

“What about the other thing?” he wants to know, and Shen Wei looks away, clenches his hands at his side.

He flinches when Zhao Yunlan reaches out for him, loosens his fist and threats their fingers together.

“You don’t know me,” Shen Wei whispers. “You don’t want that.”

He will always protect this man, even if it means ripping his own heart out in the process.

“I know that you show mercy when I ask you to. I know that you save lives when I beg for them. I know that you kill for me when someone hurts me. I have been paying attention, Shen Wei, and I want that. I want you. All of it.”

Of course Zhao Yunlan had noticed. He always does, no matter how hard Shen Wei tries to keep something from him.

“Xiao Wei, come on,” Zhao Yunlan whispers, lips fluttering over Shen Wei’s cheek, and even though Shen Wei is so weak for this man, protecting him comes first.

“You could get hurt. You could die,” Shen Wei says as he tries to move away from Zhao Yunlan. And then, because it’s the truth and one of the greatest pains Shen Wei has ever known: “I could lose you.”

“Ah, but you already did once, didn’t you, Xiao Wei?” Zhao Yunlan gently asks and Shen Wei shudders against him, because this man is going to unravel him.

And Shen Wei might just be ready to let him.

His hands shoot out, pulling Zhao Yunlan close and clutching at him as if he could vanish into thin air again.

“Don’t make me go through it again,” Shen Wei begs, words pressing into Zhao Yunlan’s temple and Shen Wei is gratified to find that Zhao Yunlan holds him just as close, just as desperately.

“Maybe you should keep me really close, just so that you can make sure nothing happens to me,” Zhao Yunlan replies, and Shen Wei can’t help it, he has to laugh because this man. This man is everything.

Shen Wei doesn’t answer, just pulls Zhao Yunlan that much closer, letting that speak for him. Going by the contented little sigh Zhao Yunlan lets out, he understands Shen Wei even without words.

“I’m not going to let you go again,” Shen Wei says, maybe in a last desperate attempt to save him from his all-consuming love for him, but Zhao Yunlan only snuggles in closer.

“That was the deal, wasn’t it?”

Shen Wei breathes him in, reveling in the weight and warmth in his arms and he thinks that if all his fears, all the days of drowning and burning in turn lead to this—it’s worth it.